As the holidays approach, many of us find ourselves anticipating not only joyful gatherings but also the inevitable challenging conversations—with colleagues, employees, friends, and family. For leaders, navigating these moments is not optional; it’s an essential part of building trust, strengthening relationships, and fostering healthy organizational cultures.

One of the most powerful frameworks for managing tough discussions comes from the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. The authors emphasize a crucial distinction that too often gets overlooked: impact is not the same as intent.

Why This Distinction Matters

In any exchange, we interpret words and actions through the lens of our own experiences, assumptions, and emotions. If a colleague’s comment leaves us feeling hurt, frustrated, or embarrassed, that’s the impact on us. But it’s a mistake to automatically assume that their intent was to hurt or undermine us.

Research in organizational psychology reinforces this idea. Harvard Business Review has highlighted that misinterpreting intent is one of the leading causes of workplace conflict, often leading to unnecessary defensiveness and erosion of trust.

When leaders blur the line between impact and intent, conversations quickly shift from problem-solving to blame. Once people feel accused of bad intent, they are far less open to collaboration, feedback, or growth.

A Practical Framework for Leaders

Stone, Patton, and Heen outline a simple but effective three-step process for disentangling impact from intent:

  • Identify the Action – What did the other person actually say or do? Strip it down to observable facts.
  • Acknowledge the Impact – How did this affect you or others? Name the feelings or outcomes clearly.
  • Check the Assumption – What intent are you attributing to the other person? Is that assumption fair, or could there be another explanation?

This pause for reflection often opens the door for empathy, curiosity, and more constructive dialogue. Leaders who model this approach signal to their teams that conflicts are opportunities for growth—not battles to be won.

Building Organizational Skill Around Difficult Conversations

Great leaders don’t just practice these skills themselves; they help their teams adopt them too. Organizations that intentionally teach and normalize difficult conversations report higher levels of trust, innovation, and collaboration.

As a leader, you can:

  • Encourage employees to pause before assuming intent.
  • Model curiosity by asking clarifying questions rather than making accusations.
  • Create safe spaces where employees can raise concerns without fear of being dismissed.
  • Provide training on communication frameworks that empower teams to resolve conflict productively.

Moving Forward with Purpose

The next time you face a difficult conversation, challenge yourself to pause before assigning intent. Instead, focus on observable actions, acknowledge the impact, and engage with empathy. By practicing this distinction, leaders create space for more authentic dialogue, stronger relationships, and better results.

At Dame Leadership, we help executives and teams build the awareness and tools to lead with purpose—even in the most difficult conversations. If your organization is ready to strengthen its culture and equip its leaders with practical frameworks for growth, contact us today.